Journal Entry

I'm sharing with you what I wrote in my actual journal this morning for therapy. I'm sure many mothers will understand. I don't think Joseph has colic, so I know it could be a lot worse. Just for the record, I think all parents with a "colicky" baby deserve great rewards... I don't know how you do it.

Januray 16, 2009

God grant me patience. I wish I could comfort little Joseph, but right now all I have the ability to do is to hold him in my lap and let him cry. He's been crying straight for the last twenty minutes. What can I do? I know he is tired. In fact he has just about plum tuckered himself out from crying and is mostly asleep. I say mostly because he keeps making deep, shuddering sighs, sniffles & hiccups, but his eyes are closed and he is trying desperately to sleep now. He gave such a deep hiccup that it scared him awake and he cried for a few seconds and then he went back to sleep. I think he's pretty much out by now, thank heavens.

Wow! Crying is HARD to deal with!!! I knew he was tired so I was trying to put him to sleep and he would fall asleep for like three minutes and then he would start squirming and wake up and cry inconsolably for about three minutes and then he would fall asleep again. I think he had some lower gas rumbles in his tummy that were waking him up. And that's the worst because I don't know really how to relieve lower gas for babies!

Anyway, after he had woken up for the third time and started crying I realized that I was getting really too tense and frustrated. I would hug him really tight and kiss his face, but I noticed I was gritting my teeth pretty hard and I felt like handling him roughly. So even though he was still crying, I put him down on the couch and just walked away because I knew I needed a break or I would hurt him. I went in the kitchen and sat on the floor and plugged my ears (of course I could still hear him though) and just tried to focus on releasing the tension in me. It took about 10 minutes before I felt relaxed again, but I still wasn't ready to pick him up or try to quiet him. So I ate a bowl of cereal, the first thing I've eaten today, and it's almost noon. That's fairly typical for me. I have a hard time eating if Joseph is not sleeping or content in his swing. And it's usually not until noon that I get to that point.

It's not often that I just leave him and let him cry it out like I did today, especially because he's so young. While I was sitting in the kitchen I kept replaying something Rachel (my sister-in-law) has told me before and my response to it now. See, Rachel REALLY REALLY loves babies and although she says she wants to wait, I KNOW she would think it was "awesome" if she were to become pregnant soon. But she really has no idea what she'd be getting herself into and I know she isn't ready to handle motherhood safely yet. I think she would end up hurting her baby and/or herself. Anyway, being that she loves babies, she has this video that she had wanted me to watch that talks about mothering and advises that you not ever just leave your baby to cry because then they may learn that no one is there for them, or no one will help meet their needs, etc. And Rachel seemed to really agree with that.

Anyway, my response to that came as I was sitting in the kitchen. While I feel strongly that I will do all within my power and ability to take care of the needs of my children, I also feel strongly that there is nothing wrong with leaving my baby to cry IF it means that I won't be squeezing him, shaking him, biting him, throwing him, or suffocating him! I would NEVER intentionally do any of those things, but I don't think it's wicked to admit that I COULD. I was shocked at the tension I felt and the flippant way I put Joseph on the couch when he was crying and I really think it's much better to take a little break to collect myself than to keep holding him while he cries inconsolably and allow that tension to build.

Anyway, Joseph, and all my other future children, just know that if I ever walk away from you, it's for your own good and because I love you and need to cool down. Believe it or not, I do have a fiery temper and can get quite wound up if I stay in situations that get my gears all wound up!

Back to what happened today. When I finished eating my cereal I had the idea to record Joseph crying and then have Rachel listen to it and watch her squirm. I think it just may curb her desire to have children so soon, if at all. Yes, babies are adorably cute and you just can't seem to get enough of their infectious smiles and coos, but if you can't also handle the cries, for there are many, then you are not ready to have kids. I recorded 7 minutes of Joseph before he finally fell asleep in my lap and now, guess what. He's awake again. And although he's wiggly, he is wide-eyed and contentedly cooing at me. I think he's still tired, though. But he needs a diaper change and he's started to fuss again, so, here I go!! Super Mother to the rescue!!