Best Friends

Joseph has a best friend. Her name is Addi. I'm sure I've mentioned her before on my blog. I've been friends with her mom since we moved to this house. Joseph and Addi are both our first children. She's a little over a month younger than him. They've really come to be good friends. It's been really nice for both of us as moms to have someone to call when we need a break or to get something done so that the kids can play together. They both love to go over to each other's house every opportunity they get and they usually play really well together for a couple of hours. Here are some pictures of them together since when they were little babies. I thought it was really cute to see how much they've changed over the past two years.

April 2009
4 & 5 months old

June 2009

6 & 7 months old

November 2009

10 & 11 months old

February 2010

13 & 14 months old

April 2010
15 & 16 months old

(Compare to the April the year before... so amazing the growth that happens in one year!)

October 2010

22 & 23 months old

November 2010

23 & 24 months old

And here's a cute little video of the two of them together that Katie took while Joseph was playing over there. I think this was taken October/Novemberish 2010. It's super cute!

Days Like Today

*sharing a personal journal entry I wrote today*

I am feeling crazy today. Argh! I don't like the idea of writing down days like today and feelings like I've had, but writing is so therapeutic, so I'm resigning myself to it. I hope this horrible headache will go away soon.

Days like today are few and far between. It makes me realize I should write more on good days, since that is what my life is mostly made up of. But on these bad days, I'm in such a funk. It is almost impossible to get anything done because I lack focus, motivation, patience, energy... you name it. It's a good thing I had already planned to eat leftovers for dinner today!

On days like today I cry really easily. My weeping comes especially easy when I dwell for just a moment too long on how I'm feeling about myself. And how I'm feeling about myself is awful. I don't like who I am on these days. I feel like a horrible mother. My patience for whining is nil and I find myself slapping, yanking and yelling at the drop of a hat. Then I feel HORRIBLE because that is not the kind of mother I want to be. Then I cry because I feel guilty and tired and low. And on days like today I can give myself all the pep talk I can, but nothing changes how I feel for very long. Soon enough all my insides are bubbling over uncontrollably again and I just feel like a train wreck.

It just so happens that Joseph is having a horrible day too. It certainly feels like he's cried and whined way more than he usually does. Perhaps he's feeding off my energy, although he's been like this since the moment he woke up. Then again, I have too. Ugh. It really is just not a good day and here I am on the verge of tears again, headache pounding, with Joseph screaming angrily for my attention. I'm scared of how rough I can be with him when I feel this awful. I want to go get him and comfort him, but he's so angry and I'm so at the end of my nerves, I'm worried I'll hurt him and make things worse.

I hate the thoughts that walk across the stage of my mind on days like today. I hate it because they are so horrible, but I find myself considering them for a few moments. Things that wouldn't even dare to show their face on one of my good days. I want help, but I don't know what I need. I can't talk. On days like today I feel mute. My mind is going a million miles a second, yet I can't get a single word out when John asks, "What are you thinking?" I wish I could say something that would open the floodgates and let all this guckiness out of me, but nothing comes out.

John is at Young Men's. He knows I'm having an awful day, but I don't think he really understands how I'm feeling. And I don't know how to share it. I don't know what I need. He's wanting to go play basketball later tonight. I don't want him to because I really just want him to take care of Joseph's needs tonight so I can take care of mine (even though I don't know what they are.) I don't feel like I can handle both myself and Joseph. I feel like I'm barely hanging on to my sanity by a loose screw. One unexpected jerk and it's all going to come apart. But then again I feel really bad for John to have to spend his evening holed up with a screaming, cranky child and a depressed, crazy, non-communicative spouse. Boy, that sounds joyful. Good grief.

On days like today, where I fall apart so easily, it makes me wonder how long I've just been barely holding myself together. I wonder if I've been fooling myself into believing that everything is great. On days like today I wonder if I've really been happy lately or if I've really ever felt joyful. Days like today I just want to hide under a cloak of invisibility until the rain stops. On days like today I feel unlovable, unworthy and ugly.

Man, I really am glad that days like today are few and far between. I hope my hormones level themselves back out soon. It only takes a day of this to remember how much I have to be grateful for... number one being that every day isn't like today.

**follow-up - John didn't go play ball. He took me to get ice cream. He's playing with Joseph and watching a BYU game and it is lovely to hear Joseph's sweet laughter. I'm feeling not so crazy, thank goodness! But I still have a pounding headache. I decided to share this journal entry as a blog post because I'm hoping that I'm not alone in "days like today." And I think we need each other when we're having these kind of days.

And, since I'm for a moment sitting outside of my funk, I can say that I KNOW I have been happy lately, really happy. And that I have definitely felt joyful, more times than I can count!

2010 Books

It really doesn't seem like a whole year has passed since my last book post, but truly it has! So here are the books that I read in 2010 with my 4 & 5 star favorites highlighted in bold. In larger red print are the top books I recommend reading. And, as always, please recommend anything you've read recently, fiction or non-fiction, that you have really enjoyed!

1. The Doctrine and Covenants published by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
2. Angle of Repose by Wallace Stegner
3. Runaway World: How Globalization is Reshaping Our Lives by Anthony Giddens
4. The Chosen One by Carol Lynch Williams
5. Stuff: The Secret Lives of Everyday Things by John C. Ryan
6. NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children by Po Bronson
7. On Life After Death by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
8. Strengths Based Leadership by Tom Rath
9. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
10. Seventh Earth by Richard Bradford
11. The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks
12. Leven Thumps and the Ruins of Alder by Obert Skye
13. Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
14. The Invisible Woman: A Special Story for Mothers by Nicole Johnson
15. Failing Forward: How to Make the Most of Your Mistakes by John C. Maxwell
16. The Undaunted by Gerald Lund
17. Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins
18. Lakota Woman by Mary Crow Dog
19. Eve and the Choice Made in Eden by Beverly Campbell
20. We Are All the Same: A Story of a Boy's Courage and a Mother's Love by James T. Wooten
21. The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine
22. The Power of Positive Living by Norman Vincent Peale
23. Ride the Laughing Wind by Blaine M. Yorgasen
24. Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins

Tis the Season

This is the lovely picture we used for our Christmas cards this year. For the first time since we've been married, I actually went and got some made up. And if you're wondering why you didn't get one... well, I never made it around to mailing them out. So here's us wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Pictures seem to be the most appropriate gift to give to my parents this time of year since I get Joseph's yearly picture taken the end of November. His two year old picture turned out really cute. I like it tons better than last year's. He is really difficult to take pictures of, so I was really pleased with this one since it shows off his handsome smile and his darling dimple.

We also gave this picture as a gift to my parents of Joseph and his cousin E. This was the first time he'd held her and he loved it. I am interested to see how he responds to the new little baby that's coming to our family.

We had a really enjoyable Christmas this year. The weekend before, we traveled up to Salt Lake for our nephew's baptism. On Saturday we stayed with my family and took my younger siblings and Joseph to see the lights on Temple Square. I am always amazed at the amount of lights that are there. It really is beautiful.

Then on Sunday we had a wonderful visit with my dad and Judy and my sister Elaine. Elaine had the idea to give my dad a gift of an assortment of different foods that reminded us of him. Grandma & Grandpa gave Joseph an outfit with a baseball on it, (which he loves because he loves anything that has to do with balls) and a fun music coloring board that he also has had a lot of fun playing with. They gave us a gift card that we've already used part of to go see a movie. We ate yummy snacks and Dad showed us some fun music apps on his Itouch that made John add the gadget to his wish list. We were really thankful for the time that we got to spend with them.

We brought back my youngest three siblings to stay with us. They are not too fond of pictures, but I wish I had snapped some anyway. Oh well. We loved having them here with us. We played lots of games and they had a lot of fun competing to be Joseph's favorite by spending great quality time with him. He had a blast while they were here. My mom and Greg came down mid-week to spend the holiday with us too. We visited with my brother Russell and his family, went shopping, swimming, played games and cooked together. We gave Joseph a pair of Elmo jammies on Christmas Eve that he loved.

We listened in on the phone as John's mom gave her annual Christmas Eve gift to her family: a children's book and something special that she usually makes herself. This year she gave us all

this book:

And she gave each of her grandchildren a small picture for their room of the St. George temple that Allen had taken and each of her children a huge, gorgeous picture of the St. George temple that she had made in Relief Society. She emphasized that there is nothing she wants more than to have all of her family together forever and the pictures of the temple are reminders for us all of our eternal goals to be together as a family. I really appreciate all the time and thought she puts into her wonderful gifts for us all.

On Christmas morning we had to wake Joseph up! He went right to his big gift, a kitchen set and started playing with it. He played with it off and on all day long.

He had a lot of fun opening all of his presents, and I had so much fun watching him as he did so. He loved everything he got and I loved that with each gift he opened he spent a little time playing with it or talking about it before moving on to the next one.

The biggest hit of the day may have been a package of balloons that he loved playing with. I really enjoyed having my family spend the holiday with us too and was grateful they were there.

We made a big dinner with a turkey, mashed potatoes, yams and pumpkin pie. Sounds just like Thanksgiving dinner! I had never cooked a turkey before so my mom had helped me. Everyone had gone to the park later and I was responsible for getting the turkey out. I stupidly peeked under the tin foil without wearing a hot pad and my fingers were blasted with steam. I can't recall the last time I was burned that bad. It was SOOO painful and I had my hand either wrapped up in ice or dipped in cold water for the rest of the night. It took until about 7 the next morning before my fingers finally stopped burning. I had slept with a bowl of water next to my bed with my hand draped into it intermittently throughout the night. But as far as the turkey goes, it was absolutely delicious! I sat at the table eating food and felt like I could sit there all night nibbling on all of the scrumptiousness. It was heavenly.

Russ, Rachel & E came over that night and even Elaine & Kristen were there too since they were traveling home from a hiking trip down south. Here's our group shot of everyone minus Saydi, who was under the blanket there in the corner. Hopefully she'll show us her cute face in the picture the next time we get all together!

Well, that wraps up Christmas! I sure am grateful for my family and the special time I got to spend with each of them this year!