**Please disregard the fact that it's been over two years since posting on this blog. I have something that I feel compelled to share that is just too lengthy for Facebook and I have yet to create an updated blog, so here it lies.
Today I realized yet again that my thoughts were running away with me on the negativity train. That's been happening pretty frequently lately, enough that it's not just impacting me but others are noticing too. I don't like to spread that kind of gloomy energy around so I sat down and did a little spontaneous free writing exercise. I started with writing down whatever negative feelings were coming to my mind. No filter. Sure enough, by the end of that I was feeling pretty crappy. In fact, I felt like just curling up in my blankets and falling asleep in an attempt to ignore everything about my life. Somehow I managed to win that battle and I proceeded to then write the positive side of everything I had just written. I really wasn't expecting the difference to be that sudden or that drastic, but by the end of writing the positive feelings I was feeling energetic, motivate, cheery, kind and patient. Especially considering that I next went into the kitchen to find my four year old, the pantry shelves, and the floor covered in powdered sugar. No doubt about it: positivity works! An interesting thing that I noticed with this exercise that I hadn't expected was the length of the pieces. My negative piece was just two pages. And it took double that of the positive writing to compensate. That brings into focus for me the lesson that the power punch negativity affords comes real quick and positivity's power takes twice the time and effort. But better things come with time and effort as opposed to instant gratification. I'm willing to play my life with positivity, in spite of the bigger challenge.
And now, the real reason this is too big to fit in a Facebook post. I'm actually going to share my writings, both negative and positive, totally unedited. Usually this kind of emotional work I do I keep totally private. When I was finished with this however, I felt strongly there's someone out there who needs to read this. And perhaps it's just me who needs to do it. Because there is that too. You know, me working on actually opening up my emotional world to others... being vulnerable!!
NEGATIVE
I am struggling maintaining positive emotions throughout the day. I have a lot of roles and responsibilities and most days it feels like too much to fulfill just ONE role - motherhood - let alone all the others. I have a hard time finding joy in the day to day roles. I feel annoyed and angry, sad and discouraged often. Whenever I think about my goals or any positive things I've created in a higher energy, I feel especially discouraged. I doubt any of it is ever possible. I feel doomed and trapped to run in my own personal rat race till I die. My dreams seem too far removed from reality. I feel like I'll be drowning in housework wishing and wishing for more time to get life organized so we can do the real important things for the rest of my life. I feel like I'm squandering precious moments of time with my kids with nothing to show for it. All my efforts are wasted. I'm failing at homeschool. I'm an embarrassment to myself. I'm ashamed at all that I can't keep up on: things like washing my toilets and taking a shower. I see my weaknesses magnified in my children's words and behaviors and I feel hopeless for how I'll ever be able to teach them any successful life skills. I feel like my life is a burden on other people and I don't want to be a bother or a burden and contribute to their life's troubles and challenges. I'll never be able to do all the things I want to, so why try? I'm selfish. Sometimes I find myself envisioning a happy life by myself, on my own - no kids, no husband - with my only responsibility as myself. I'm tired. I feel ugly. I hate eating. I have zero motivation to exercise. All of these negative feelings are affecting me, I know, but because I feel them so strongly and I look around at my life and see evidence that I'm describing my reality, then it feels like a foolish thing to try to turn around my thoughts to the positive. I feel like I'd be lying to myself or obliviously ignoring reality. I'd end right back in the negative because that's what I really believe and feel. Anything else is just wishful thinking - believing a lie that can never be.
POSITIVE
I am aware of my thoughts and emotions day by day, moment by moment. I recognize the positive ones and the negative ones. I consciously choose to focus my energy on keeping the positive thoughts and emotions and discarding the negative. I have chosen my roles and responsibilities carefully and have chosen the ones that bring the most fulfillment to me, allow me to best serve God, and those in which I can use my gifts and talents to bless the lives of others. I am mindful about how I serve and fulfill my roles. I notice and am grateful for the moments that matter most: hugs, kisses, laughter, a compliment, a connection to the heart. My heart swells with joy as I watch my kids' learning and growth. I am calm and patient even when I feel otherwise. I correct any blaming thinking in the moment and accept accountability for my behaviors. I am loving, cheerful and hopeful every day. I feel excited and encouraged and expectant whenever I think about what I am creating with my thoughts and the vision I have for myself and my family. I believe all things are possible with faith, nurture, work, and time. I am committed to focusing on my vision and reprogramming my thoughts when needed in order to keep pressing forward toward my vision of personal freedom for the rest of my life. My dreams may be just seeds now, but that doesn't mean they are not real. They ARE my reality and as I continue to nurture them they will grow to fruition and I will be able to enjoy their fruits. I am in a time and season during life with very young children where things may be disorganized, but it won't be this way forever. As my children grow they will be more capable of helping to keep things organized and put away. What is most important to me is that I am paying attention to them and their developmental needs. I have resources to help me when needed with the care of my kids so I can clean and organize the house. My kids' behaviors are evidence that my focus on what matters most has been well placed. They are learning the foundational, core character traits that will serve them in positive ways throughout the rest of their lives. My efforts as a mother are paying off in the character development of my kids. I am pleased with my determination to parent according to my vision even when it's very hard. While I am teaching my kids, they are also helping to teach me by reflecting back to me. I am becoming a better mother and person by paying attention to what they are teaching me. My life is a gift and a fulfillment of the plan I have created in conjunction with God. My life brings joy and love into the lives of others. Others' spirits are lifted and strengthened when they connect with me. When I am vulnerable and open and allow others to serve me I am also blessing others' lives, for lives are blessed through service, both ways. I will be able to accomplish all that is most important for me to in this life and my life will be pleasing to God. I care about taking care of myself so I can be happy and have the best of me to give to others. My greatest happiness in life comes through service and connection to others. The hard path of marriage and family is also the sweetest and most rewarding. I will stay the course. I have all the energy I need to do what I want to do. I am beautiful, creative and unique. I enjoy nourishing my body with what it needs. I am highly motivated to take care of my body in such a way that allows it to be strong and capable of service for all the days of my life. These positive affirmations have filled my soul with hope and love. I feel brighter, taller and more capable of accomplishing whatever I put my mind and heart to. I feel I could choose those negative thoughts but they really made me feel so crappy. I'd much rather feel light and strong and capable. Nothing about my situation changed except for my thinking about it. And that thinking has a powerful effect. I truly believe if I choose positive thinking every single day, that over time, I will truly start to enjoy more and more fruits of that positivity. So I will keep pushing forward! It'll get better.
And there you have it!
