My Relationship With My Parents

So today a funny thing happened. I was at work, and a lady came by asking if there was a water supply they could hook a hose up to for a scout project they were doing later this afternoon. I knew there was, but it needs to have a spigot put in, so I called my boss, Paul, to ask him where it was. I got the spigot and then walked outside to show her how to use it (I was still on the phone with Paul) and then the lady said, "I'm so sorry... I just locked you out of your office!" The door to my office remains locked all the time, and she had shut it behind her as we walked out. I laughed and said, "it's allright." My keys to the office were inside, my keys to my car were inside, my cell phone, and my purse with my extra set of office keys were inside the office. But, I did have the office phone! I told Paul what happened and he told me that he had an extra key in his truck at his house. He was on his way up to Enterprise, so was unable to come and unlock the door. So I called Don, one of our mechanics, and he went over to Paul's house, got the key, and came and let me back in. While I was waiting for him, the lady (who felt SO bad), had let me in to the scout house to wait since she had a key for that building. It took Don a while to get to the office, so while I was waiting, I pondered. And I'd like to share some of the things I pondered about.

First of all, it's been a while since I've just pondered. And as I did, I realized, I REALLY need to be keeping a record of my thoughts and experiences in life! Each day that goes by without being recorded is as lost as a fleeting memory! I want my children and my future descendants to be able to know who I am and what my life was like. And they aren't going to know that unless I record it! I'm so grateful my mom taught me how to keep a journal while I was younger, and I'm so glad I kept a journal through my growing up years! What a treasure that is. But I have written probably fewer than five entries in my journal in the two years that I've been married, and I realized today that this time too, is a treasure. I will want to look back on this time and remember what it was like, what I did each day, what I thought about, what experiences I had, what things I learned... and I won't have that unless I record it! So, in my ponderings, I decided that I will begin recording my daily life, and this blog is a perfect place to do so.

My mind also wandered to my relationship with my Dad and Judy. I thought about the way it is now, the way I would like it to be now, and the way I would like it to be in the future. I thought about what kind of relationship my children will have with them. I realized that I really have been doing my part to strengthen my relationship with them, to share myself, my life, my hopes, and my dreams with them. I actually haven't shared a lot with them specifically, but the reason is not because I wouldn't, but because they don't want to know it. And something (my life) that is so precious to me, I don't want to toss in front of someone who doesn't even care about it because it would just get trampled all over. My relationship with my parents is important, but if it is taking "too much work" then it really is detrimental to the one relationship that really does matter: the one with my dear husband. The time for me to develop, nurture, strengthen, and heal relationships with my parents is past. Now, I just must hold on to what I do have with them and leave it at that. As I pondered, I realized the kind of relationship I have with my dad and Judy is, and will be, such: simply surface. And I need to be okay with that. If they ask, we will let them know some specifics of what is going on with our lives. We can then enjoy talking about family activities, funny memories, movies we enjoy, books we like, vacations we take, our own family experiences... but even then, I will not be able to share with them the reason why these things are so meaningful to me, I will only be able to share "what happened." And I will be okay with that. But if they never ask, then all they will know about us is that we moved (because we will send them an updated address), and that we had a new baby (because we will send them pictures and announcements). The first time that we become pregnant, I will tell them that we are expecting, but only when I feel the time is appropriate. We will send simple birthday cards and our annual family Christmas letter/card. We will call them to wish them a happy mother's day and father's day. We will send them pictures of our family and children when we have our pictures taken professionally. We will let them know ahead of time when we are coming to town, but we will only visit them if we are invited over.

Now some people may look at that kind of relationship and think, that sounds ideal. But for me, it is not the ideal. I yearn for authentic relationships. I know there is so much more to people than just pictures and phone calls. I know that if we have that kind of relationship with Dad and Judy, then they will never really know us for who we are. They will not know why we do the things we do. They will not know our goals, our hopes, or our purposes in life. And they will not know those things because they do not care to know. I will gladly share with them if they want to know, but they must ask, I will not just present it all to them on a platter. Relationships aren't that easy. Judy tells me that, "Lindsay, you know as well as I do, that we have never been, or never will be close." Dad tells me that, "Lindsay, I'm just waiting for you to 'wake up' before I can be close to you." Well, in response to that I say: I believe you can have a very close relationship with anyone as long as both parties are loving, forgiving, and showing that they are willing to try to understand each other for who they are. And I believe that as long as my dad is "waiting" for me to change who I am to fit his criteria of who I should be, he is going to miss out on a lot of joy that could come from knowing his daughter for who she really is. I feel like I've taken all the steps I can take to get to "halfway." I'm not going to take step backwards, I'll stay right here: halfway. If they want to have a "full" relationship, then they are going to have to take their steps to meet me where I am. And as long as they stay where they are, I can't expect to have any more than a "halfway" relationship with them. And I'm okay with that because I know that I have done my part. And I know I will continue to do my part, I will stay here. I won't become bitter, hurt, angry or unforgiving. I will always love them with all the love I have to give. I will always forgive them for any mistakes they make because I know that every one of us is making mistakes. I will always pray for their happiness. That's where I'll be, Dad and Judy, if you're looking to find me.