So much has been happening over the past few months that it's really hard to describe it all in detail. But I will attempt to do so. I had one of the most spiritual experiences of my life on November 9th, just over one month ago. As a profession, I work for the Corporation of the Presiding Bishopric as an office administrator. That's the technical way of saying that I work for the temporal affairs of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I have to say, I couldn't have a better boss!
On November 9th we had a regional training meeting at work. This happens on a regular basis, usually about 3 or 4 times each year. So we weren't expecting anything out of the ordinary. But there is a movement. There is something happening, not just in the Church, but in the world at large. There is an uprising of people who are standing up tall and choosing to live by true principles in whatever they do. Everyone knows that as members of any church, we struggle with the same kinds of things that everyone else struggles with. No single person or organization is above weakness. Now about this movement in the world that is taking place, you will find principles of truth at play almost everywhere you look. No one religion, or no one business or corporation, or person holds a monopoly on these principles. These principles are what govern our universe whether we like it or not. The movement is taking place because different people everywhere are tapping into these universal laws and choosing to live by them. It is making a difference. If you don't see it happening, open your eyes and take a look inside your heart. That's where it starts.
There is a very successful business made up of graduated students from BYU who have taken principles of truth and have structured a model for success. Their objective is to go into companies that are struggling and close to going under and to totally re-educate them. They just go in and clean house, so to say. This company is extremely successful. If you go to their website you can see more of what they do and some of the companies that they have helped, some of which I know you have heard of before. (http://www.ozprinciple.com/) This company charges $30,000 per DAY to retrain these businesses. The Church has come across them and have been very interested in receiving this training. They were willing to pay the money for this company to come in and train the interior of the Church employment. (and anyone who has ever worked for the Church knows that it is very bureaucratic... Church employees are definately not exempt to human weaknesses!) So the Church goes to this company and wants to use them and is willing to pay for their services. You know what these guys said to them? They said, are you serious? We couldn't charge you for this, we GOT all of our information FROM you guys! So, they have given the Church all of their training material and personally trained some leaders within Church employment so that the Church can use this companies training and give this training to its employees, free of charge. This training is changing lives. They call it "cultural transition training." Now President Hinckley has made the decision that it is up to the DTA (Director of Temporal Affairs, of which there are 9) to decide if he will use this training for his specific area. It is not being forced upon all of the Church employees. It's up to the DTA. Of the 9 DTA's there are currently 6 who are using this cultural transition training within their regions. The effects of this will spill over. You will see the change if you don't see it already.
Now, the interesting thing about all of this is, I haven't received this training! The DTA over my area is not totally convinced that this training is really all that great. The reason I know about it is because our regional manager is in a unique position. His region includes Utah South as well as the Las Vegas area, but the Las Vegas area is under a different DTA. So my regional manager works under two different DTA's. The DTA over the Las Vegas area has approved the training, so that region has been involved and my regional manager has gone through the training because of that. He has shared with us some of what he has learned, and it is absolutely amazing. My boss and I are particularly interested in the things that are being taught in this cultural transition training because they ring very true to us deep within our hearts.
ANYWAY... (see, I told you this would be hard to explain all of this!) At the same time we are hearing about these little tidbits of information about this new cultural transition training, some different things were also happening outside of my work life. I listened to this book on cd in my car titled: Excuse Me, Your LIFE Is Waiting by Lynn Grabhorn (http://www.lynngrabhorn.com/excuseme.htm) and it really opened my mind to a whole new way of thinking that seemed to resonate with things that I've always believed my whole life. Then, our contractor who was helping us finish up our house kept talking about this company that he was involved with that was changing his life a lot. My husband and I became more and more interested in what he was talking about, so we set up an appointment to meet with them ourselves. The company we met with is called Engenuity. (http://www.engenuity.org/home.htm) When we met one on one with Engenuity, they taught us about the velocity of $1 and how banks make their money. They also taught us about how 401 K plans work, and how stocks and bonds and stuff like that work. It was extremely eye opening. Let's just say we are raised to think in a very limiting perspective as pertaining to money. There's a whole different world out there if you're willing to see it.
One thing that Engenuity encouraged us to do was to become a member of the Producer Revolution. They taught us what it means to be a producer versus being a consumer. A producer is someone who wants to give to others more than they receive in return. A consumer is someone who wants to get as much as possible for as little time, money or effort as possible. These actually are not different kinds of people, just different ways of looking at the world, and the truth is, most people all over the world are raised and taught (rather unknowingly and naively) to see the world through the consumer mindset. The consumer mindset actually leads to scarcity, fear of loss, selfishness and victimization. The producer mindset is what leads to what we all want out of life: abundance, self-reliance, heroism and an enlightened self interest.
So what is the Producer Revolution all about? Well, here, in their own words (from their website) is what their mission is. (http://www.producerrevolution.com/)
The Producer Revolution is the specific movement to unite responsible people in a common cause to create an ideal world of freedom, peace, prosperity, and happiness for all mankind. The objective of the Producer Revolution is to inspire all people to embrace accountability, become self-reliant, and begin basing all of their thoughts, decisions, and actions on timeless and universal principles of liberty and prosperity.
My interest was peaked because this sounded like something that I can resonate with in my life, something I am looking for. So I browsed the online forum and listened to the Producer Revolution radio shows for a few days before I joined. I also attended a local producer forum which is a group of like-minded individuals who are striving their best to live this ideal. I was totally wowed. My overall impression of this whole Producer Revolution, the people I've met, the things I've read and listened to, the ideals and principles... was this, "I can't believe it. There are actually other people out there like ME!" So I have joined the Producer Revolution and it is, on a daily basis, revolutionizing my life.
So many different things had been going on in my heart. So many desires were springing up that I haven't felt this strongly for years. I've always considered myself a very spiritual person. I've always been acutely aware of my thoughts and feelings and have always tried my best to express them to others in the most honest way I can. This has, on quite a few occassions, led to very embarassing, awkward and sometimes regrettable situations. On the other hand, this pure honesty has led me to receive the greatest gift of having a husband who loves me from head to toe and all the way through. Sure I do things that annoy him or bother him, but because our relationship has always been deeply emotional and spiritual, he has developed this love for me that runs deeper than anything I've ever known. It is one of the greatest gifts of my life to know that he will be there holding me up, supporting me, respecting me and loving me in all that I do, no matter how weird or strange or crazy I may seem to other people. I love him deeply for that.
Anyway, my spirituality has led me down some rocky roads through life. People aren't always receptive to things of a spiritual nature and I had a difficult time trying to "find my place" in life. Believe it or not, I was painfully shy and withdrawn when I was younger. I felt like I knew myself inside, but whenever I tried to share that with someone on that deep spiritual level I was betrayed, hurt, laughed at or ridiculed for it so I learned very quickly how to just keep myself to myself. It was safer that way. I didn't experience the depth of hurt and pain to my heart. However, this method of coping, although it feels like a better way to deal with pain and anguish of soul, is only momentarily gratifying, and over time it took its tool on my spirit. In a way, I kind of gave up hope on my dreams because I felt like everyone close to me just wanted me to "be happy and successful" by going to school, getting my education and finding a good job, a good husband and just "settling down." I am a people pleaser to the core, so I started to pursue this path in hopes of making these people happy and proud of me.
Thank heavens I didn't totally bury my own hopes and dreams, who I really am, because there were opportunities that arose like beautiful flowers in the desert and I saw them for what they were and went after them, in spite of how crazy others may have thought I was. These experiences taught me more about life and joy than anything I was pursuing in the meantime. But they were just short-term spiritual experiences, never lasting more than 3 months at a time. So in the time between I went back to plodding down this road I thought would lead me to success and happiness. I felt like I was living a double life. It tore me apart inside, literally. I struggled with depression and experienced many dark moments curled up in a ball in my closet, or crying on my bed, battling with the emotions raging in my heart. There were so many times when my heart just ached and yearned to just be able to "go home," to be released from my body and experience freedom. I felt like I was trying to juggle all these different things in my life that would bring me happiness, but the only problem was that I didn't even know how to juggle! It was very discouraging and things only seemed to be spiraling downward. I would always look back at those spiritual experiences I had had, those flowers in the desert, and I would long for the peace, comfort, love and joy that I felt in my heart during those times. "If only my life could be like it was when..." "What's the trick? I know I've experienced before the kind of happiness and joy I'm looking for now... what am I doing differently? What's the secret?" I asked myself these kinds of questions so often, but I would never really look for the answer.
Things became so difficult for me that I had to start taking medication for depression. That seemed to help a lot for a few months, but then suddenly, it stopped working and things became worse. I began showing more clearly symptoms of Bipolar disorder and became very worried about having to deal with an illness like that for the rest of my life. There is a history of mental illness in my family, and I was terrified that my worst fears were finally coming to fruition. I began going to see my doctor again and exploring different kinds of medication to treat my symptoms. I didn't want to take any medication that I would have to stop taking if I became pregnant because I had a desire to be independent and not have to depend on a medication for my sanity. We found one that we thought might work and I took samples of it until they ran out. When I went to fill my prescription, I was unwilling to pay for it when I saw the price. It wasn't worth it to me. That decision was made around the beginning of August, almost 5 months ago, and thus began my change of heart, my change of focus.
Every day that has passed since then the light in my life has grown brighter and brighter and the darkness has dissipated. The way I would describe how I feel today is exactly how I felt when I was experiencing those spiritual experiences that were like the desert flowers in my life. I have finally learned what that "trick" is and I have finally put it into practice full force in my life. The results are that I am constantly experiencing joy. Everywhere I go, whether it's to a friend's house, to church, to work, to the post office or the grocery store, I meet so many people who are so friendly and happy and full of smiles. I look strangers in the eyes and ask them questions and laugh and joke with them. I have seemingly boundless energy and zest for life. I wake up joyful in the mornings. Sometimes I am even singing right when I wake up! As I drive around in my car I turn up the radio so loud that I can't even hear my self singing along at the top of my lungs. Some days I get into uncontrollable giggle fits. I feel so deeply! When I express my sincere feelings, tears of gratitude flow to my eyes. The most amazing thing is happening. Whatever it is that I want, happens! I want to be involved as much as I can with the Producer Revolution and the next thing I know, without even going out and looking for it, the president of the forum calls me and offers me a job to be his personal assistant. (and yes, I'm taking the job by the way!) I want to do something special (but seemingly impossible because it is so out of the ordinary) for someone close to me and the way opens up right before me as easily as if I had just touched a domino and all the others fall down in a beautiful pattern. Doors of opportunities for my dreams to be accomplished are opening left and right! I am constantly amazed at how fast things happen. Each week is so full of productivity and joy that I feel like an entire month has gone by! I feel peace in my heart. I feel so much love towards everyone! It doesn't matter how others treat me, I try my best to do something special for them. If this sounds like the "perfect life," I'll tell you up and down that it is. I know this is the kind of life that I have been wanting and trying to live my whole life! And now it is a constant state of being for me. I am continually amazed at the joy that I feel and experience on a day to day basis. I feel completely liberated. I am free to be myself and express myself exactly however I want to. I am free to go after my dreams and see them become realities in my life. I am watching miracles unfold before my eyes every day. What's happening in my life is just flowing. I feel like I barely even have to do anything except feel happy! None of my positive feelings of joy are forced. They come as quickly and as softly as all the leaves fall off the trees in the autumn time and before you know it, the ground is covered in this beautiful blanket of crispy, beautifully colored leaves. Life is absolutely amazing.
I know very well that I am not immune, however, to the kind of darkness and depression and apathy that I experienced before, just because I am experiencing this kind of joy. In fact, if I did not wake up each morning and make the choice to simply feel happy that day, I know that I would experience the kind of depression that was my life before. It can come back that quickly. I've discovered that the power to experience this kind of joy is within myself, and it's been there all along, I just hadn't looked inside before. I was looking for something outside of myself to fulfill the void in my heart and "make me happy." I was able to see what I wanted, but it wasn't manifesting itself in my life because I wasn't changing what was in my heart. Anyone can experience this kind of joy if they look within themselves and are willing to see the world with a new set of glasses. My heart has been changed because I have changed my perspective. That sounds so simple, and even though it is, that doesn't mean that the process of change is an easy experience. It's simple in theory, but a lot harder put into practice. It does take time and effort, but not as much as you think it does. Once you start on that path, it happens quicker than you can imagine.
Now, you may be wondering what it was that finally flipped the switch from my old life to this new life of joy. The crowning moment of this process of change occured on November 9th at my regional meeting. (Here we go, I can finally get around to telling you about this most spiritual experience!) Near the end of our meeting, our regional manager said that he had something very special for us. It was a dvd of an address that Elder M. Russell Ballard had given to just a select group of church employees. It was recorded in a fairly personal and casual setting, something that I am not used to being able to see when listening to the words of an apostle. My spiritually crowning moment came when Elder Ballard said, "this is a spiritual kingdom. The issue we are dealing with is spiritual." When he said that I felt like a floodgate opened within me and at that moment every single spiritual desire I have ever felt was finally validated. At that moment, everything in my life, all those different things I was trying to juggle... everything culminated into ONE purpose: to touch the hearts of others. This was the switch. My focus has completely shifted so that I am so deeply concerned and motivated by a desire to help others to be happy and experience joy and love in their lives. This is the change: I care.
